Can’t Believe 2018 is coming to an End!
Well, I haven’t posted in a while and in that “while”…sheesh a lot has happened.
Remember my post back in August?
We still have not gone back to the doctor - We still have not fallen pregnant
Still aren’t sure if surgery worked or not.
I vowed that I would not live in 2018 the same way I did in 2017 and well…
I believe I suffered more this year than previous years. I believe waiting does not get better as time goes by. People say, “It is how you wait”. I was up and down. When my body started reving up for Aunt Flo, hormones made the attitude changes even worse.
For those who saw the very emotional video the Lord led me to post earlier this month on instagram when my husband packed up & left. I was a mess & couldn’t understand why God would call me then to be as transparent as I’ve ever been on social media.
Those who missed it - It wasn’t for attention for me but to bring attention to the damage that can come from this journey many are on in this community.
I’m unashamed to say now that God delivered me.
Infertility took root in my heart & along with it came bitterness, envy, anger, resentment, hatred, & a very unhappy household. As much as I tried on my own, even with reading God’s word daily...I failed to surrender. Totally.
It doesn’t have to be infertility, it can be a recent diagnosis of cancer, losing a loved one, losing a job, waiting on a spouse, waiting in general.
If given room, these things can take root & cause subtle yet unfortunate damage if NOT surrendered to Jesus.
Saturday, Dec. 8th:
My husband left, I slept okay bc I was still angry. I screamed that he couldn’t make kids & after those words left my lips the Holy Spirit in a still small voice said “No, you can’t make the kids I promised”. My heart was filthy. Why would God want me carrying His promised seeds?
I tried apologizing. But his clothes were packed & everything else. By the next day after attending church just my son & I & Pastor preached on Love - I purposed in my heart to have God show me myself!
Monday, Dec. 10th:
Called in sick (after all I was)
What an ugly picture God showed me of who I had become! As I fasted & cried out to God on the floor of my living room, not to send my husband back just yet but to cleanse me, the Holy Spirit said “The Blood of Jesus is Enough”...I wept & finally after 3yrs & 8mths of infertility-I SURRENDERED! I had to truly tell God to take it ALL. I couldn’t have him come back (if he did) to the same me.
During that moment in my living room I felt the Spirit of God so strongly & true Peace came over me. I’ve never been the same since.
Tuesday, Dec. 11th:
With a renewed heart. I asked my husband to come home. I admitted my faults & vowed to be changed (God had already delivered me, but now he had to see it) - Only God could do it.
By Tuesday night after prayer & the prayers of those close to us. He came home. To the world, it would seem like “Oh he didn’t stay gone long”...but had I never fallen on my face & surrendered my will to Jesus...My husband wouldn’t have come home. He was done with our marriage and the pain and stress I caused him. He is a man after God & regardless, people who genuinely love...Also get tired. I don’t plan on ever being the person I was before he left again.
My soul is truly at rest in however God does things in our lives!
Remember, “The Blood of Jesus is Enough”
I guess I’ll make this my final blog post of 2018!
This is the scripture we read when he came back home (I’ve editted it to condense it to what I suffered with):
When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: ...idolatry...hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition... division, envy...and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. Gal.5:19-21